Just Another Day at the Office

*This is a slice of my working life today*
The client rings (cue hyper excited Jewish New York accent)

"Hi, my name is #### and I'm a world famous producer and our client is a Household Name and we want you to do this fantastic, amazing, really wild, life changing, earth shattering, poop your pants , save every child in the world , one of a kind, bigger than Ben Hur...,,blah,blah,blah. ......job.... blah..blah... we don't have much money .....blah..blah....you know how it is, Sweetie,"
*I certainly do* ...."blah, blah, blah.". *I start switching off by about now*.

"We're looking at filming in 2 weeks.We don't have a location yet, but that shouldn't be a prob,
Oh, and Honey, could you get the quote to us by this afternoon? Maybe do a ball park figure, you know? Their busting my balls over here on this one Sweetie."
*Its now 6.00 pm my time.*

O.K, I say, send us an email with as much information as possible, and we'll get back to you.
So the script comes through, and it IS bigger than Ben Hur.
PS The names, script, and everything else have been changed to protect my career.*

The email:
Hi Enigma, how you doin? It was great talking to you, Baby.

Here's the script codenamed Project Crash and Burn, we haven't decided on a location, or a director, the actors, casting agency, what our budget is , or how much will be physical SFX or CGI, but see what you can do , top secret, of course, please sign confidentiality agreement and send back ASAP. Thanks Honey,
Regards Famous Producer
___________________________________________
Project Crash And Burn
___________________________________________
Date: 8/11/08
Client: Household Name
____________________________________________
Scene 1>The Crowd
location, wardrobe, camera dept, casting , rigging dept not yet decided on
(SFX , casting wardrobe).

The scene opens with a crowd on a typical New York street, they are going about their business as usual, it is early afternoon , the sun is shining,(we want the streets wet down, and smoke rising from the fire hydrants, and man holes) some of the crowd looks casual , but not too casual, others well dressed, but not too well dressed , some scruffy, but not too scruffy,the men are manly, but not too macho, the women hauntingly lovely, but not to hauntingly lovely, some ethnic diversity, but not too diverse , a few teenagers, but not too few, or too manly, or too feminine .(6 cameras to be positioned for maximum coverage.)
_____________________________________________
Scene 2> Perturbed Crowd,
location: not yet decided on.
( SFX, sunshine , fog, wind, rain, lightening , hale , some snow?... earthquake?)

The crowd is continuing on with their business of being a crowd, when suddenly a raging, swirling, malevolent , heavy, mother fucker of a storm appears , it seems to blow up out of no where, rising and swirling around the crowd. Papers are blowing, skirts are flying up, ties are tangled(close up of tangled ties)The crowd looks around in confusion ( slow panning of camera through crowd) The crowd is becoming visibly perturbed.
____________________________________________________
Scene 3 >Not a train
location ,not yet decided on
( SFX, fire ,wind, rain, sun, models, pyro, gas,flares, pneumatics, hydraulics, animatronics, no trains)

The crowd is visibly perturbed ( camera pans in on close up of visibly perturbed crowd) Suddenly there is a loud sound, like a train coming, but its not a train ... it seems to be coming from above the crowd, they look up , up , up, up, through streets and office buildings of New York ( we will want you to build the full scale models for these,, as we cant get permission to film there) up to what looks like a fiery ball, brighter than a thousand suns, burning, flaring, smoking ( we might CGI the comet, unless you can make a full scale one?) getting bigger and bigger, piercing through the sunny , windy, rainy , foggy snowing day .The ground trembles (perhaps we can use a platform on a gimble rig for this?) ....the camera pans to the perturbed crowd, who is becoming more horrified with every second,(cue Bella Lugosi music) pans back to the fiery ball ,which is getting closer and closer , back to the perturbed ,horrified , macho, hauntingly lovely, ethnically diverse, crowd, back to the fiery ball, back to the crowd, back to the fiery ball, back to the crowd, back to the fiery ball...The heat is building, becoming intense, what the hell is going on? *good question Enigma thinks*
_________________________________________________
scene >4, The Comet
location, cast, camera department , stunt coordinator not yet decided on
(SFX ,stunts,rigging, armouring, pyro, explosives, full scale sets, fire smoke, models, full scale comet?)

The visibly perturbed horrified crowd is becoming even more visibly perturbed and horrified.....they are beginning to panic,
( camera pans around to beginning to panic perturbed horrified crowd), (this will be be an overhead high camera shot, can you supply us with the camera crane?)

Buildings begin to smoke, windows are blowing out with the intense heat, fires are flaring up all around, 12 cars suddenly explode in flames... their doors and windows blow out, broken glass shatters all around, (we want extreme close ups of the cars exploding, as extremely close as you can get).

The fiery ball is getting closer and closer, the crowd goes mad, running like a mad crowd , scattering in all directions, people are looting shops, (this scene should look like the money shot in inferno) fires are exploding all around, a petrol station suddenly explodes into a 50 metre fireball, and blows up another 10 parked cars (is your studio big enough to shoot this there?) The Fire Department and Police arrive .(screaming sirens)

They are attacked by the armed mad looters, everyone in the crowd is packing weapons, and fights back( the director wants only fully automatic weapons for this shot, and he wants live fire, NO BLANKS !)
People are screaming, running in all directions, falling, crashing cars, shooting, looting, and cahooting, frogs are falling from the sky, dogs and cats are living together .IT IS HELL !!!!!
PS (we haven't yet decided on the location and whether to use real scattering extras, or just scatter a few CGI extras in)
_________________________________________________
scene 5> Our Hero, Man and his Dog,
Studio shot, studio not yet decided on, hero and hero dog, not yet decided on.
The dogs name will be Marc Antony .
(SFX, Pyro, dog wrangler.)

The camera pans in hard on our hero and his hero dog,(who will be muscular, but not too muscular, handsome, but not too handsome , the dog that is) of an unsure age, probably about 30 . He is dressed stylishly casual, but not too stylish, he could be Everyman...and his dog could be Everydog...he looks up onto the sunny, foggy, raining, a little bit earth quaky , smoky, windy, burning, fiery, flaming sky . He realises its a comet!!!!!!!, (close up of look of dawning horror on hero, and hero dogs face)
_________________________________________
Scene 6 >Hero Running
Camera on camera tracks,
camera department and location not yet decided on
(SFX ,Mark Antony's handler)

The comet is streaking towards the crowd . Our hero and hero dog pause , we know they are gathering themselves for something important and heroic, but what?(this will be done in single frame) the tension builds , the comet is getting closer , the camera follows our heroes as they run confidently, purposely and stylishly in the opposite direction from the crowd..We wonder,
What is he doing? Where is he going? Will he survive, And what will happen to Marc Antony?

The tension is building to almost unbearable proportions, as our hero and hero dog run, purposely, determinedly, consciously, poetically, an exquisite blend of man and beast, at one with the urban environment and each other. (this should look somewhat like the running scene in Forrest Gump)
____________________________________________

Scene 7- House ; house style and location not yet decided on ,Props department not yet decided on ,Rigging not yet decided on.
(SFX pyro, rigging, breakaway models props, Marc Antony wrangler)

The comet is hurtling towards the earth at a fantastic speed, getting closer and closer, brighter and brighter, hotter and hotter, camera cuts hard to a close up of our heroes, they are running toward a house, the camera cuts back to the comet, cuts back to our hero, back to the comet, back to our hero, back to the comet, back to our hero as he runs inside the house( we know its his house as props will put photos of him and the dog in the hallway).Our heroes run up to the front door, throw it open and run through the house , tripping over furniture , tripping over vases, tripping over Marc Antony ( can you do the breakaway glass, and cutaway furniture?) he runs through the length of the house and reaches the back, he throws open the back door, and runs into the large back yard , disappearing behind the trees at the bottom of the garden. What is on earth is he doing?
*Its at this point Enigma wonders what on earth shes doing*

__________________________________________________
Scene 8>
outside full scale house, location not yet decided on

(SFX, pyro, rigging, full scale street sets)
The comet has now built up speed and incredible heat..it is hurtling toward the hero's house, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, its just a blur of flames and fire ,the surrounding houses are going up in flames , trees are exploding,.....(can you hurtle the comet whilst its burning?I saw the one you did for ##### )it is heading directly towards our hero's house........(camera POV from above on your crane).
_______________________________________________

Scene 9 >outside house burn,
full scale burning house, comet.l ocation not yet decided on ,

(SFX, grips, rigging, pyro, full scale model),

And smash, the comet thunders on down ,streaming a river of flames as it goes,(not sure on pyro or maybe a flame thrower for this?) burning, roaring, incinerating everything in its path
( we will shoot from above on your crane ) it hurtles past the house at a 90 degree angle, the house is destroyed in the trailing fireball (cut to inside of house where everything is ablaze..(we want extreme close ups of this,can you supply the heat shields for the cameras?) it plummets into the yard and and embeds itself 20 metres into the earth , still burning and smoking. Did our heroes survive?

_________________________________________________

scene 10 >Back yard,
location, props, greens, not yet decided on

(SFX, props, greens)
(Long shot, from burning house to back yard).
The camera slowly moves through the burning house, past the blackened trees , through the devastated back yard, the swinging burnt gate, the blackened picket fence, the burning child's tricycle, the burning swing (think the opening scenes in T2) past cars incinerated in the driveway and pans on by the the napalmed pool,(cue music from Apocalypse Now) and closes in on an object on the far side of the yard.

________________________________________
Scene 10 - The MONEY SHOT.
(SFX, props, wardrobe)

We move in closer on the strange object, its blackened and smoking, it looks like a small house..what the fuck is it? (music rises to crescendo), Its a dogs house!
Just then our heroes crawl out of the dog house, they are a bit dirty and smokey , but otherwise o.k...both of them look around at the carnage in absolute amazement.
Our hero reaches down and pats Marc Antony on his head "Crickey" , he says in an awed voice (close up),

"Mark Antony, your Petmate Dog House saved our lives, thank God we didn't go for an inferior product! ....camera pans into Petmate logo, music, fade to black.....

The End

*So folks this is a slice of my working life, it is a pretty accurate description of what happens everyday....The insane ridiculousness of it sometimes really astounds me.